Maddie Moment of the Week - Special Thanksgiving Holiday Edition

"Time to Wash the Dog"

After the first two installments of the Maddie Moment of the Week, I have received many comments from various recipients, some good, some bad. Here are some excerpts:

"BRAD, YOU'RE SUCH A JERK. I DON'T EVEN FINISH READING THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE SO STUPID. GET A LIFE. YOU ARE NOT FUNNY AT ALL. WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" - Maddie Lou herself

"Brad, this should be a syndicated column....." - Bayly

"Great work SON! Keep up the hard work. I've been forwarding these to people who don't even know Kate and they still think its hilarious!!" - Kacey Thomas

"Haaaaaaaaaaaaa. I looove Maddie Moments of the Week- apparently so does my
boss. All my weatherbug emails are sent to him. You must send
these to me every week! I am laughing out loud." - Lisa Catucci

"I'm laughing so hard I'm crying right now. I have to go to the bathroom and stop. I haven't even finished reading." - Bridget Nalls

Thanks to all of you who enjoy the moments, and of course if anyone has any suggestions for future Maddie Moments or would like to forward the Moments to fellow Maddie fans, please do so. Also, just like last time, I have attached the first two Maddie Moments in case anyone needs to catch up. They are in Word format, which makes it easy to print and distribute.

Now, on to the Moment -

One of the best presents that Maddie brought her family upon her return from her interesting stint in South Carolina was Cooper, the lovable black lab that currently resides at the Lively household. Of course Maddie loves her too, and has given her some very nice nicknames:

"COME HERE BEEDLE DOG"
"I LOVE MY WESTERN DUNKIES"
"MY DOODLE DEEDLE"
"COOPY SHMOOPYS"
"I LOVE MY DINKY DOODLES"

Now, some of you may be thinking that because Maddie appears to love Cooper so much, she would get the owner of the year award. But of course this is the Maddie Moment of the Week, and that means that can't be the case.

I conducted a scientific Zogby/AP/ZAGAT poll survey on the Lively family (Big Joe, Cathie, Vern, Sarge, Arnold, and Liz) to see how many times in the 4+ years since Maddie moved in that she has walked the dog. Sadly, the results showed that 66% said never, 33% said once or twice, and 1% did not know (Vern, she was at school). Of course Maddie disputed the results.

"THAT IS NOT TRUE!!! I WALKED BEEDLE DOG ALL THE TIME!! SHUT UP BRAD WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOOA!!!!!!!"

When I asked the Lively family what Maddie could possibly mean by this, the response was unanimous.

"Kate has a simple way of walking the dog. While she Kaflounges *(see definition below)* on the couch after a night of cocktails, she opens the door so Cooper can run around like a maniac and play traffic until Mrs. lively saves her".

Maddie's response -

"OH SHUT UP THE DOG IS FINE, SHE HAS NEVER BEEN HIT BY A CAR. I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO TAKES CARE OF HER WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAO!!!!!!!!!"

* Kaflounge - V; (From the Madison Louise Library of Terms)
- to sprawl out on the couch, usually when 15 other people are in the room, usually in a peach sweatshirt and red sweatpants. Usually follows a night of drinking. The perfect "Kaflounge" position is on the back, legs either hanging off of the couch or on top of the edge, making it impossible for anyone else to sit. Maximum slobber and strange noises omit from the "Kaflounger".
ex: "As i walked into the Lively house and saw Maddie Lou dominating the entire 20 foot long couch with her slobber on the pillows and her feet in the air, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. This was the ultimate Kaflounge."

Now back to the Moment. Since Maddie apparently hates walking the dog, we can only imagine what might happen if she is forced to wash it.

It was a hot summer day and Cooper, having been washed by Mrs. Lively the past 3,479 times, was in need of a bath. Maddie, figuring that 4 years was a long enough time for other people to wash her dog, exclaims:

"COOPY WOOPY, TIME FOR A BATH BEEDLE BOODLE WOAOAOAOAOAOAOOAOAOAO!"

The family is stunned by Maddie's offer. As they all stare at Maddie in shock, the Maddie they know and love quickly returns.

"WHO WANTS TO HELP??? SARGE, JACK? WHATEVER. FINE I'LL DO IT MYSELF WOAOAOAOAOAOOAOAOA!!!!!!!!!!"

The family, knowing that a classic is about to unfold, refuses to help. So Maddie gets her tools: the hose and some soap and starts blasting Cooper with water. Now, most people know that when an animal, or any living creature for that matter, starts getting pelted with water, they might run away. Wouldn't you? Maddie doesn't understand.

"THIS SUCKS. SHE KEEPS RUNNING AWAY!!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?? COOPER, STAY STILL WOAOAOAOAOAOAOOAOAOAOAO!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The family just laughs, and you would too if you can picture what happens next.

Maddie huffs and puffs at her family and decides to take matters into her own hands.

Having recently seen a documentary on the entire civil rights movement, Maddie decides that the logical thing to do is to tie Cooper up to the basketball pole and spray her from point blank range with the hose. Cooper, completely confused as to why this woman is recreating the Birmingham riots, tries to get away. She starts running in circles around the pole, gasping for air and freedom, letting out barks and howls. Maddie, seeing absolutely nothing wrong and inhumane about this, continues spraying the poor dog.

At this point the Lively family collectively intervenes -

"Kate, are you insane?!"
"Kate, the dog is not on fire!!"
"Have you ever washed a dog before?!"
"Kate, no wonder Cooper is scared of you!!"
"Kate, give me the hose!!"
"Kate, did you just fart?!"

Maddie, crying, explains.

"WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO??? SHE WOULDN'T STAY STILL AND YOU ALL WOULDN'T HELP ME!!!! SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!!!!! MOM, CAN YOU WASH THE DOG? WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOOAOA!!!!!!!!!!"

Following her torture, Cooper decides to hide in the crawl space. To this day whenever she hears Maddie say the words "HOSE, BATH, SOAP, OR WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOOAOAOAO!", She runs in panic, as i think we all would.

Relevant Maddie Quote of the Day

"YOU KNOW, I'M THE ONLY ONE IN THIS FAMILY WHO DOES WHAT I WANNA DO. YOU ALL ARE BORING. I'M GOING TO BONAROOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! AFTER ME AND BRIDGET MOVE TO THE VIRGIN ISLANDS, AND I MOVE TO SAN DIEGO TO GO TO GOLF SCHOOL WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOOAOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Mrs Lively, "Kate, we know you do what you want to do. Can you stop please?"

I hope you all enjoyed this special edition of the Maddie Moment of the Week. If you've ever wondered why Cooper has some mental problems, now you know. Happy Thanksgiving!!! Make sure you eat a ton of Mayo-less food and get in some good Kaflounging!!!

Brad