Maddie Moment of the Week - December 23, 2005

"Christmas With Maddie Lou"

My sincere apologies for the cancelled Maddie Moments the last two weeks. I know Maddie claims to be innocent in this situation, but here is what transpired:

"BRAD YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS!!! NO WAY THAT ONE IS GETTING SENT OUT!!!! NO ONE EVEN THINKS THESE ARE FUNNY. IF YOU EVER TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT ONE I'LL NEVER MAKE SWEDISH MEATBALLS AGAIN WOAOOAOAOAOAOAOAOAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (of course the black listed Moment is available by cash only)

But anyway, as the holiday season approaches, I've decided to share some memories with you about past Maddie Moments during Christmas. Some believe that the best Maddie-isms have occurred on Christmas mornings, and here are some of them.

Maddie Christmas Blow-up #1

"The White Coat"

Before getting into the first Moment i feel that i should go through a typical Christmas morning with Maddie. Maddie does not like Christmas. She simply believes that she has never received a good gift in 25 years. On Christmas Eve, Maddie likes to Kaflounge on the couch so there is as little movement as possible the next morning and no room for anyone else to sit. Like clockwork on that Christmas, Maddie was in a bad mood. She woke up and immediately said...

"OH GOD HERE WE GO, WHY DID WE WAKE UP SO EARLY??? WHO DECORATED THE TREE THIS YEAR IT STINKS!!!! WHATEVER GET ME MY PRESENTS. AND WHERE'S BREAKFAST WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAAOAOAOAOAOAOOA!!!!!!!!!"

Next, Maddie pulled out her annual Christmas inventory list. This is the list she uses to make sure that NO ONE receives more gifts than her. For example...

"WELL, ACCORDING TO MY LIST IT SEEMS THAT ONCE AGAIN I HAVE THE LEAST AMOUNT OF PRESENTS. AND THEY ALL STINK SO FAR. OH, AND I SEE THAT RON HAS GOTTEN NICE CLOTHES WHILE MINE ARE ALL FOR 50 YEAR OLD WOMEN. WHATEVER I'LL JUST RETURN THEM ALL. I'M GOING FOR SUSHI WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

But one such present that "RON" got put Maddie over the top.

Maddie likes to make it clear 3 months before Christmas what she wants. And two years ago, the list was topped with a white long coat from Banana Republic. Maddie demanded it be hers.

"OK MOM I WANT THAT COAT. NOT ANY OTHER COAT, THIS ONE. I DON'T WANT A FRUMPY OLD HAG COAT. AND MAKE SURE YOU GET IT SOON SO IT DOESN'T SELL OUT. AND I WANT TO OPEN IT FIRST WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAAOAOAOAOAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

So poor Mrs. Lively, who always tries to make Maddie happy on Christmas, headed to Banana to get the coat. One problem: the coat was only available in extra small. So Mrs. lively thought it might be a good fit for Veronica, and although she knew Maddie would punish her for life, she got the coat for Veronica.

That Christmas Morning, as Maddie was doing her standard inventory check, she sees a Banana Republic coat bag hanging by the tree.

"WELL FINALLY I GOT SOMETHING GOOD. ITS ABOUT TIME. OK HARRY, MADDIE'S A LITTLE HUNG OVER. GET HER THE COAT PLEASE WOAOAOAOAOAOAO!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Mrs. Lively, seeing Maddie stare at the coat like it's a Santa Fe Omlette, knew trouble was ahead.

"Now Kate, i don't want you to be mad, but this is for Veronica" she said, as Verno saw the coat and loved it.

Like Mount St. Helen pouring molten lava on innocent civilians, Maddie exploded in a tirade that the neighbors still believe bordered on a noise violation.

"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAAOAOAOAOOAOAOAAOAOAOAOAOAOOAAOOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some Lively kids say they wake up at night screaming just thinking about this Maddie Bellow. Rumor has it that the dog ran away in fear and the ornaments were blown off of the tree. Sarge had to peel Jack of off of the wall. Liz was covered in Maddie spit.

"I HATE YOU ALL!!!!!!! I ASKED FOR THAT VERY SAME COAT AND YOU GIVE IT TO VERN!!!!! TYPICAL!!!!!!!!!! I HATE CHRISTMAS WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Mrs Lively, in an effort to stop the Bellow and make Maddie feel better, ordered the family to start piling Maddie under her 176 other "AWFUL" presents. Maddie, not impressed, hid under the presents and didn't say anything for the rest of the day.

It should be noted that this year Maddie again demanded a coat, this time a black one. We are all very nervous about the result and we have warned the neighbors that a Bellow may be forthcoming.

Maddie Christmas Blow-up #2

"SpongeKate Square Pants"

If anyone (besides myself, of course) knows how to rile Maddie up it is Joe Lively, Sr. He has witnessed all of Maddie's shenanigans and Christmas blow-ups first hand. So, rather than get mad at Maddie for acting like a 2 year old every Christmas, he feeds into it.

Now, anyone who knows Maddie knows that she loves condiments (except Mayo, of course). Ranch dressing, duck sauce, soy sauce you name it, if it isn't at the table, Maddie loses it. So Mr. Lively decided one Christmas to get her what she really likes...

"OH GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, A BOX OF CONDIMENTS????? ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH. ESPECIALLY YOU DAD WOAAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Kate, the box goes along with this present" Mr. Lively says as he hands her a huge box.

Maddie, sensing that she might have been duped, opens the box, to find a 5 foot by 3 foot Spongebob Squarepants. She gives her dad the worst Maddie Glare of all time. He explains.

"Kate, i got this to show that if you eat all of the condiments, you'll look like Spongebob Squarepants HAAHAHHAHAHAHAHA"

Of course the entire family howls in laughter. And of course, Maddie loses it.

"DAD, YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Merry Christmas to you too Kate"


List of Items Barred from the Lively Christmas Dinner (at Maddie's order):

Turkey
Steak
Tomatoes
Peas
Mashed Potatoes
Onions
Hebrew National Hot Dogs
Mayo
Milk
Water

List of Items that Maddie insists must be at the Lively Christmas Dinner:

Sushi
Duck
Mango Fried Rice
Teriyaki Emu
Octopus Stuffed Ravioli
Oscar Meyer Hot Dogs
Ranch Dressing
Maine Lobster Tails
Bloody Mary's
Sangria


Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Holidays, or whatever is to your liking. Stay tuned for the much anticipated Maddie Moments including Maddie's career ideas and Maddie's trip to Florida. Peace!