Maddie Moment of the Week - January 19th, 2005

"Maddie goes to Key West"

*I would like to apologize for the delay in the Maddie Moment (I've heard that Bayly has wanted to kill me), but i have been really tied up. Also, this moment is a little on the longer side, so bear with me.*

It was a cold January night when I picked the Lively's up from the airport upon their arrival from a Christmas stay in Key West. The first one I saw was Sarge.

Me - "Sarge, how the hell was the trip?"

Sarge - "Goddamn Maddie Lou. She is insane. I'm telling you she is certifiable."

Right then and there I knew that Maddie had Maddieized the island. Arnold confirmed this fact.

"Oh my God you should have seen Maddie."

Yes Arnold, I sure as hell wish i was there.

After Maddie's patented Banana Republic coat blowup the previous Christmas, the Lively family decided that it would be best for their health and Maddie's if they got Maddie out of Kensington and took her to a tropical paradise for Christmas. Obviously, no present that they could buy her would make her happy, so they figured a relaxing vacation would do the trick.

"I honestly thought that after the Banana Republic blowup, Maddie would enjoy Key West. Now, looking back, i don't know if Key West will ever recover." - Mrs. Lively

After the family arrived in Miami, they decided to get some fast food. Maddie was outraged.

"EWWWW BURGER KING??? I HATE BURGER KING!! I'VE NEVER EVEN BEEN THERE BUT I HATE FAST FOOD!!!! OK I'LL GO FIRST, I'LL HAVE A DOUBLE WHOPPER COMBO WOAOAOAOAOAAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOOA!!!!!!!!!!"

As everyone else is munching down the BK, they hear a devastating scream...

"WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOA THERE'S MAYO ON MY WHOPPER WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAAOAOAO GROSS I'M GONNA PUKE WOAOAOAOAAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Now we all know that Maddie hates Mayo, except on cheesesteaks of course, which she likes extra mayoized "BECAUSE I USED TO GET EXTRA CHEESE BUT DAD SAID THAT WAS GROSS AND THERE'S NOTHING WORSE THAN A DRY CHEESESTEAK WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAAOAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And so the first Maddie explosion occurred. While everyone else told her to shut up and eat, Maddie wouldn't let it go.

"NO WAY I'M EATING THIS CRAP WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOA" she creamed as she threw her entire sandwich into the garbage. "MOM, GIVE ME YOUR BURGER WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAO"

So poor Mrs. Lively didn't eat before the long drive to key West. Maddie's explanation of this cowardly act went as follows -

"WELL BRADFORD SINCE I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO BURGER KING AND NO ONE INFORMED ME THAT MAYO WOULD BE ON THE WHOPPER, IT IS THEIR FAULT. I'M MOM'S FIRST BORN CHILD, SHE SHOULD HAVE OFFERED TO GIVE ME HER BURGER WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAAOOAOA!!!!!!!!!!!"

Me - "Kate, that is almost as bad as the time you threw your mom out of the front seat of the Navigator forcing her to sit squashed next to me Jack, Liz and Vern because, and i quote, "I'M HUNG OVER AND I DON'T FEEL GOOD WOAOAOAOAOAO!!! MOM, GET OUT OF THE FRONT SEAT WOAOAOAOAOAAOAOAOAOAO!!!!!!! I DON'T CARE IF IT'S A THREE HOUR RIDE WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Maddie - "SHUT UP, BRAD"

Mini Maddie Moment # 1

So the Lively family finally made it to Key West. Maddie's first order of business, Kaflounge wear. Because if there was one thing Maddie was going to do in Key West, it was Kaflounge. So Maddie went shopping. I've already mentioned that Maddie is one for high fashion, and she did not disappoint.

"OK GUYS, WHO WANTS TO GO TO THE BEACH WOAOAOAOAAOAOAOAOAO!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The family stood in amazement. Standing in front of them was Maddie Lou, clad in a 4XL Peach/Papaya colored "Key West" Hoodie, with matching Siamese sarong. They were speechless.

"WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? YOU ALL ARE JUST JEALOUS OF MY NEW HOODIE. NOW EVERYONE WILL KNOW I'VE BEEN TO KEY WEST!!!! AT LEAST I DON'T WEAR BORING CLOTHES LIKE RON WAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAO!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Family quotes about the Hoodie -

Sarge - "Honestly Brad, she didn't take it off the entire week."
Jack - "Don't even ask."
Liz - "She even Kaflounged in it on the beach in 110 degree weather."
Vern - "Standard Maddie."
Mrs. Lively - "Brad, I've always wondered why she doesn't just get normal clothes."

Mini Maddie Moment #2

So one night the family decided to go to a very nice steak house. Maddie did not go with the family, instead she was 8 hours deep in an all day drink fest in which she consumed 32 "STOLI RAS AND VODKA WITH A SPLASH OF CRANBERRY WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH AND A FEW MAI TAI'S WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAO!!!!!!!!!!!"

Now, since this was a nice steak house, you'd assume people would go in normal attire, nice pants/shirt, maybe a jacket and tie, you know, something presentable. But we already know that Maddie hates steak. And because she hates steak she feels no need to conform to these rules.

Just as the waiter is about to take drink orders, Maddie stumbles through the doors.

"(burp) I'M HERE GUYS WOOAOAOAOAOAAOAOAOAOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (toot)"

The family stares in disbelief. Maddie has come to dinner in her Pink Mango Hoodie over her bathing suit, a fur hat, and reef sandals. Doing the Maddie Bob and Weave, she makes her way over to the table.

"HEY GUYS, DID WE ORDER YET WOAOAOAOAOOAOAOA (toot)??? EXCUSE ME, MR. WAITER, I'LL HAVE A SHRIMP GUAVA MANGO SCOTCH DIRTY MARTINI ON THE ROCKS WOOAOAOAOAOAAOAOAOAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (burp)."

After the waiter returned with the beers, sodas, and the 4 quart concoction that Maddie ordered, it was time to order dinner. Now remember what happened in the Maddie Moment entitled, "The Santa Fe Omelette".

The waiter begins. The family all orders classic steakhouse entrees i.e. filet's, prime rib, lobster, chicken...then the waiter comes to Maddie. But before she orders, she has a question.

"EXCUSE ME MR. WAITER, BUT DO RECOMMEND THE KEY WEST GROUPER STUFFED WITH EEL AND SQUID SOUFFLE OR THE CAVIAR COVERED SHARK, LAID ON A BED OF BEETS AND BRUSSEL SPROUTS WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The family, almost losing their appetite, PLEAD with Maddie to get something normal.

"OK WHATEVER YOU ALL ARE BORING. FINE. I'LL HAVE THE FULL ROAST DUCK, COVERED WITH A HOLLANDAISE SAUCE, WITH A MANGO GLAZE AND A SIDE OF TERIYAKI POTATOES, GARNISHED WITH CILANTRO AND HOT SAUCE WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAAOAOAOAO!!!!!!!!!!"

So I want you all to picture Maddie in this restaurant comparable to the Prime Rib or Mortons. She is "sitting" (bobbing back and forth, omitting strange sounds) in her chair, guzzling her vat of tropical shrimp/scotch combo, wearing her Papaya Hoodie and bathing suit, eating a full duck, and "WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAAOAA - ing" at about 150 decibels. To this day the family claims she had to be in another world.

Mini Maddie Moment 3

As you could imagine, the next day Maddie was a little hung over. Now, as we have discussed with Maddie's Bob and Weave, Maddie has a little trouble with balance, equilibrium, or whatever makes you not fall over. We all have seen our fair share of Flying Maddie's and we often wonder how they are humanly possible. So this day Maddie was doing some serious Bobbing. But that didn't stop her from trying to con Sarge into embarking on a Katrina Tour - Key West style.

"SARGE, LET'S RENT MOTORBIKES AND GO ON A 4 HOUR RIDE TOPPED OFF WITH SOME SANGRIA WOAOAOAOAOAAOAOAOAOAOAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Sarge, tired from saying "no" to Kate the entire trip agrees to go for a short ride. So they rent some motorbikes and get ready for the trip. The rest is taken from Sarge's real life account.

"OK SARGE I'LL GO FIRST WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAO" Maddie bellowed, and she took off. Folks, not more than 3.56 seconds after their departure did Maddie do some tipping.

"WOA........WOAOAOAOOAOAOA...............................WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And in that instant, Maddie flew off the bike that was going 3 MPH, landed on her back and had her feet in the air, crying, while the bike fell over and broke. Sarge, staring in complete amazement just said -

"Well, I saw that one coming from a mile away."

Maddie got herself together, they turned in the bikes, and Maddie went to the bar.

Mini Maddie Moment #4

By the end of the trip Maddie was in a huge *patootie* (see definition below), and man was it beginning to show.

Patootie - N; (From The Madison Louise Library of Terms)
- a horrendous mood that Maddie is usually in after a night of 32 cocktails, or if someone tells her to get her ass off of the couch and stop Kaflounging, or if the waiter brings her the wrong food. Patootie's are unique because Maddie swears she has never been in one, and that it's always her Dad, me, or Ron that instigates them.
- "When Maddie came downstairs and saw that her mom had baked her a CHOCOLATE cake for her birthday, Maddie screamed, cried, and was in the biggest patootie for days. Apparently, she hates chocolate cake more than steak. What was Mrs. Lively thinking."

After the long drive back to Miami airport the family did not have time to have a sit down lunch, so as they did before they got some fast food, only this time it was from Wendy's instead of BK. Mrs. lively added this observation -

"Brad by this point in the trip everyone was annoyed with Maddie, and Maddie hated everyone. So, i gave her my front seat again while we were all squished in the back, just trying to give everyone some space."

But of course, Maddie wasn't talking to anyone. So when Mr. Lively pulled up to the drive through window and asked what everyone wanted, she said nothing. After the entire family screamed at her and told her to grow up she belted -

"FINE WHATEVER GET ME A BURGER WOAOAOAOAOAOAAOOAAOAOAOAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Now most people know that when ordering a burger, especially at a fast food joint, one can expect a normal hamburger. If one wanted cheese, they would say CHEESEBURGER. Pretty standard, i think most 5-year old's know this.

Not Maddie.

"WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOOA GO BACK GO BACK!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE IS THE CHEESE ON MY BURGER WOAOAOAOAOAOAAOAOAOAO!!!!!!!! THIS IS GROSS I WANTED A CHEESEBURGER WOAOAOAAOAOAOAOAOAOAOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MOM, GIVE ME YOUR CHEESEBURGER NOW WOAOAOAOAAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Collectively -

"Kate you idiot, why didn't you say CHEESEBURGER??? Are you insane? What are you 5? Kathy, no way in hell are you giving her your cheeseburger. Maybe if you had answered when we asked you we wouldn't have this problem. Kate, stop farting!!!"

Now see if this response sounds familiar -

"SHUT UP ALL OF YOU WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAO!!!!!! WHAT STUPID PLACE WOULDN'T PUT CHEESE ON THEIR BURGERS WOAOAOAOAOAOAAO!!!!!!!!!! I'VE NEVER BEEN TO WENDY'S BEFORE WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAAOAOAO!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE'S THE BATHROOM WOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

So apparently Maddie has never been to either BK or Wendy's, where yes, you must say cheese if you want a cheeseburger. Unbelievable.

I hope you all enjoyed the 6th installment of the MMOTW. Next week's moment is really a gem, I'll try to get it out early.